Establishing boundaries….so first, let me start off and say that boundaries aren’t always easy but they are very necessary. They not only help to cultivate new relationships but they also preserve ones that you already have. All relationships need boundaries. For some, it naturally happens without much effort. For others quite a bit of effort is needed.

The word “boundary” can come off as quite intimidating, but I like to think of this analogy: I like to think of boundaries just like the door and lock you have on your house. So it’s not to say that you don’t want people to ever come over or you don’t ever want to have company. It’s really just a matter of creating a boundary that you only allow people you know to come over and only when the time is right. Boundaries play a huge factor in relationships with people because again, some relationships can be unhealthy without them.

So what happens when you establish boundaries?

First of all, you feel better about your circumstances because they’re based on boundaries that YOU have established. I’ll give an example: Say that you have a friend that asks for a ride all the time. Establishing new boundaries could sound like, “You know friend, I love you but I can’t give you a ride as often anymore. It’s just really cutting into what I have going on and I just have a lot of things that I need to do and I just can’t afford to do this as often anymore.”

Knowing when boundaries need to be established

Lack of boundaries can result in continually feeling bothered, or if you or you feel like you’re not being honored and respected. Boundaries need to be established when you continually feel burdened by circumstances or they make you feel bad. This is more than likely a situation where healthy boundary needs to be established.

Establishing boundaries in relationships that have never had them is not going to be an easy feat. However what it does, is it creates the circumstances in which you feel honored. And that is the entire point of this! It’s to make sure that you honor yourself and listen to your own needs (not to discredit that the other parties).

How do I establish boundaries?

The first step is to figure out what it is that’s bothering. Decide where you need for healthy boundaries to be established. Then you can start to place the boundaries by again doing as mentioned before and start actually telling the people what you need to change. Explain to them the way that you’re feeling. Avoid telling people what they do wrong, and instead state WHY you feel this way and what contributes to it. From there, express what it is that you are going to need to do in order to change that. Be open and willing to listen to the other party’s perspective also.

Why do I need to establish boundaries?

Instead of allowing people to dictate the way they treat you or what they expect from you, YOU create the expectations yourself by doing this. From there and you’ll be able to see how people honor or dishonor them. Like I mentioned before, it’s not always going to be easy. Especially with loved ones and close friends. However you must communicate. Doing this gives the other party the opportunity to acknowledge that they are in fact violating this area, and give them them opportunity to do something about it.

If you never tell someone that they’re doing something wrong, you can’t get mad.

Openly express what it is that’s bothering you and why. Express yourself clearly. Say what boundary needs to be placed. State how things are going to be changing going forward in order to establish that boundary. In doing this, you give them the option to act accordingly. Now I mean sure, they might slip up and ask you something or whatever the case. That’s to be expected on some level because again it’s a big change in the relationship dynamic. Just know that it’s OK for it to happen in the very beginning, people mess up.

You will most likely feel a little guilty for wanting to establish boundaries

But you have to keep at it, you have to be consistent with it. You have to stand true to what you’re saying and stand true to your word. The people in your life that want the best for you will help. They will honor what you have openly expressed. When someone that loves you knows something they’re doing makes you feel a negative way, they will do something about it. If not, that is THEIR decision. This is why you have to stand true to your why for establishing the boundaries in the first place.

 It’s not easy, especially considering that you might have to stop talking to someone so frequently or cut someone out of your life because they keep doing this. But it’s really just a matter of making the CONTINUAL decision to put yourself first. People are so afraid of getting backlash from establishing boundaries. But you have to understand how selfish it is to get mad at someone wanting to change a negative dynamic in their lives. That within itself is completely asinine.

It’s just really taking your power back

Establishing boundaries is not something that can just be done overnight. There is a chance that you’re not going to always feel completely happy with the decision at first. You might feel lonely along the way. People might try to manipulate the situation and make you feel guilty for wanting these boundaries to be established. But the biggest lesson along this journey of self discovery is learning that you can’t continue along your path doing things that you did in the past and expect different results in the future.

TO RECAP

The first step is to acknowledge what needs to be implemented. From there, start implementing them and saying NO. If the person doesn’t honor them the first time, it’s completely understandable. But if the person continually dishonors your boundaries after you’ve expressed to them again clearly, you NEED to establish larger boundaries. Affirm your reasoning.

Be willing to spend less time with the individual or cutting them out altogether if necessary. It’s important that you do what is right for you. There is nothing wrong with putting your self-love first. You can’t give from an empty cup, my friend.

 

-Snowi 🙂

 

You can watch the Youtube video on this topic here.

Or if you would like to schedule a Self-Discovery Coaching call to create a Roadmap to establish boundaries in your life, click here.